Hot As Heaven

This is a piece written by Marisa Samuels, partly in tribute to the late columnist Art Hoppe, a mainstay of more than 50 years at the San Francisco Chronicle.

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Hot as Heaven

“Lord, there is a woman on Earth who says she is hot.”

“Oh, Me, St Peter.  She is?  Well, maybe she lives in what they call the Midwest.  I’ve been having trouble keeping the weather comfortable there.  I don’t know, maybe you-know-who has been interfering with my work.”

“No, Lord.  She says she is hot for Your Son.”

“Hot for My Son?  Does she mean she is hot because of My Son?  That does not make sense.  My Son does not control the weather.  Apparently even I cannot do that, no matter how hard I try.”

“It is a different meaning of ‘hot,’ Lord.  I looked it up on Your computer.  It seems that someone called her ‘hot’ and her associates grumbled.  She then said she was ‘hot for Jesus Christ.’ The shouters in the crowd meant she was ‘hot,’ um, sexually.  That is when she disavowed their assessment.  She says she meant ‘hot’ in the sense of – uh, enthusiasm .  She is enthusiastic about Your Son.”

“Well, that is good.  I am glad I got that computer. I should look up definitions more often.  The computer is easier to use than rummaging through My divine thoughts.  But what kind of crowd would shout such a thing?”

“The woman, who is pretty, in Earth terms, is running for political office.” 

“What sort of political office?”

“President of the United States of America.”

“WHAT?” 

“And she speaks of the End Times.”

“How can she speak of the End Times?  I have not yet scheduled them.  Although, as they say down there, ‘Lord knows’ I have thought of setting a date now and again.  Incidentally, I thought there was a separation of Church and State in the United States.”

“Historically there has been that Separation.  But some seem to want to combine the two.”

“NOT a good idea.  I have seen this happen in other areas of Earth.  Then there are wars, which I try to prevent, but you know, St. Peter, that My creations have free will.”

“Are You tempted to interfere, Lord?”

“I am not tempted to do anything.  My creations are tempted; one hopes they will resist temptation.  Temptations.  If this woman is ‘hot,’ as you say, for My Son, let us hope she keeps her ‘hotness’ in check.”

“I am hot about your decision, and your hope, Lord.”

“St. Peter, PLEASE!”

In fond remembrance of Art Hoppe’s columns in the San Francisco Chronicle.

© Marisa Samuels, August 2011